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Through My Eyes

I once chuckled at a bumper sticker that read: "Hire a teen-ager while they still know it all." It struck two very familiar chords: I was currently raising a teen, and I could distinctly remember feeling particularly smug in my youth. My view of the world seemed the most accurate, my opinions the most discerning. I had spent a childhood so fearful of failure, I had attempted to convince myself I was never in the wrong. After reviewing my childhood and evaluating my on-going relationships, I realized how erroneous this perception was -- and in total contradiction to my human nature and child-like spirit. From that moment, I vowed to relinquish my controlled nature (a life-long journey) and to remain ever mindful of other philosophies and viewpoints.

It was disquieting. Being a know-it-all gave me such a wonderful sense of superiority and security. Admitting that I did not have all the answers left me on shakier ground, vulnerable and exposed. Because of my personal history, I can readily spot individuals who have a difficult time admitting their fallibility. Perhaps they can't remember an uninhibited childhood -- before the world around them began contradicting their innocent, creative nature. Those early years may be precisely what instilled their fears, their shame, their need to control what enters and exits their lives. A lifetime of personal censorship can become so habitual and ingrained, we may forever lose sight of our child-like exuberance.

I have nurtured many incredible friendships and lovely acquaintanceships over the years. I make the distinction because I have spent years alongside individuals without really knowing them, seeing only what they selectively choose to divulge. They don't allow their "secrets" out and therefore can't allow the world in. It can be uncomfortable, even painful, if we are unfamiliar with the uneasiness that accompanies vulnerability, if we have never opened up our lives for others to gain an unguarded view. Ultimately, it is illuminating and liberating when we have nothing to hide or to fear.

Initially we may feel resentful because others' views of our lives are now open to commentary and may touch sensitive nerves or challenge our philosophies. But in lowering our defenses, someone else's vision can bring us new awareness. The view may be distorted, but more often than not, there will be a nugget of truth if we are courageous enough to look.

In counseling, couples are often asked to reverse roles and act out the other's conversation or argument patterns, allowing each to be on the receiving end of what they are used to giving. It can be surprising, and oh, so enlightening, seeing ourselves through our partner's eyes. In only moments we may discover we are not without fault in escalating discussions into arguments and hurtful attacks. The slightest raise of an eyebrow or tonal change can turn a simple comment into a sarcastic jab, a helpful insight into harmful criticism. But we will not have personal revelations if our eyes are closed.

I have never seen the point of having a home that is not shared. I cook, decorate and add personal touches to birthdays, Dodgers and Lakers viewing parties, holiday gatherings -- any excuse to celebrate with family and friends.