page 4 / 7

Special To You

Our childhood experience plays an integral role in shaping our self-esteem and the confidence we depend upon to venture out into the world. Don had the emotional wind knocked out of him at the tender age of four, his carefree boyhood jarred to a standstill by his parents' bitter divorce and his mother's remarriage. His gentle father was replaced by a heavy drinker with violent tendencies who did not value the quiet, introspective nature of his youngest stepson and who undermined the family's sense of serenity, security and normalcy.

The denouement unfolded in our early years together, my husband struggling with an unspoken expectation that I provide what had been lost to him -- security and peace -- at whatever cost. Don's family had been so traumatized, they had circled their wagons in self-protection and would not allow challenge or accountability for their actions from the outside. I was on the outside.

The price became too dear. After a few years of struggle, Don and I were making preparations to divorce.

Life continues to astound me; it can toss us around leaving us scraped and scarred from unimaginable injury, yet always forcing our hand. Within weeks, Don's brother, the big brother who never let go of his hand during their tumultuous childhood, was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. In seeking counseling to help deal with the devastating loss of his closest friend, Don began confronting his past. Over time, and with a renewed outlook, we began planning for our future.

Families face daily pressures that stem from a positive source: an abundance of choices. Whether Dad is in line for a promotion that would require weeks at a time on the road, Mom's consulting job is only offered at the dinner hour, or the kids have conflicting extracurricular activities, the everyday struggle of decision making and scheduling can seem overwhelming. Individual's needs seek immediate and absolute attention, inner peace and calm often appear unattainable, even unfathomable. Like a teeter-totter, if one person demands too much space or time in a relationship, there is no counterbalance. Someone is left feeling high and dry.

In previous generations life appeared to be simpler. Though families had their share of discord, society presented them with more defined roles and fewer options. Father worked, Mother kept house, the children went to school. There was no need for the "soccer mom;" children's afternoons were free of back-to-back activities. Today, relationships and families face the daily task of finding satisfying compromises within seemingly endless and, oftentimes, opposing forces.

To my mind, parenting is the pinnacle of creative accomplishment and expression. Not only do we physically create another human being, we are ultimately responsible for helping realize the uniqueness of that life through nurturing and teaching.

I know affluent couples whose children are left under the tutelage of nannies, and I have friends whose choices lead to financial setbacks in order to be primary in the early lives of a child. The dilemma is real, the solutions painstaking, the implications far-reaching. Every parent faces monumental decisions and must view them in their own light and their unique circumstance.