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Come As You Are

Parents and adult family members have a responsibility to exhibit love -- put in the time and attention -- as equally as possible to children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews and to accept those differences in their children as remarkable exhibitions of uniqueness and character. Not something punishable by the withholding of love and attention. Children should not be asked to fill their family's needs in order to be loved.

In the movie "Field of Dreams," Kevin Costner's character, Ray Kinsella, is driven to discern the meaning of the mysterious voice that haunts him saying: "If you build it, they will come." To translate that precept into the building of relationships, I believe that if we go through the motions, the emotions will come. If we are feeling ungrateful or self-centered, all it may take is to unfailingly express words of gratitude, and a genuine feeling of appreciation for those around us and for our situation will grow. The same goes for love. If a child is less than we idealize, spending more time with that child, not less, will allow us to discover the treasure that is hidden there.  

It is effortless to engage with a child who thinks and acts and responds the way we are comfortable thinking, acting and responding. It takes a mature, unselfish adult to make an effort in ways that may not come naturally at first. In order to foster self-esteem and the creative spirit in our children, we as parents and extended family members shoulder the responsibility of saying: Come As You Are.

My father was never able to express those words to his children before his untimely death at the age of sixty-four. He did not withhold out of selfishness or vindictiveness, but was the product of an emotionally austere upbringing. He was changing and growing right up to the end and showed signs of identifying and rectifying some of his mistakes as a father, but was not allowed quite enough time to complete the effort.

I recently shuffled through some of my old, treasured record albums in search of lyrics and song titles that might exemplify this theme. By the time I got to the Ss I was feeling dejected and ready for a break until an album cover caught my eye and a split-second memory took me to a different place, time and consciousness. The decade was the sixties. And I knew I had found my song. The group was Sly & The Family Stone, a funk group whose existence is proof that appearances can be so very deceiving. Sly's outrageous attire -- fur, fringe, feathers, beads, hats, platform boots and multi-colored jumpsuits might evoke expectations of drug culture lyrics, not the meaningful topics he chose to investigate that support generous, unselfish love.  

Several of Sly Stone's songs encouraged his audience of mostly teens and young adults to stand tall and proud, and to love and believe in themselves. And his witty take on prejudice and discrimination, "I Am Everyday People," coined a phrase that I still use today: "Different strokes for different folks." But the song title that, in one line encapsulates a vision of altruistic love that unleashes the creative spirit in those around us, is: "Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin." Translated from Funk into English: Thank you for letting me be myself again.

As individuals we operate independently from one another, yet are unified by a reliance upon systems. We are a part of the vast universe and members of the world community; we are born as citizens of a country, state, city, community and members of a family. Finally, the systems that keep us alive and shape and form us as unique and separate are our bodies. Ironically, they, too, unify us.